I Am Who I Am.

This is a first blog post for me, but I really had an urge to just let it all out on here where people I know don’t follow me and where my family won’t see and I can just be my pondering self in the middle of the night to a bunch of strangers who may or may not read all this. So welcome! Welcome to the first of (maybe) many pondering sessions of Brittney Leigh.

Quick introduction: I am a wife to an amazing husband who I quite literally had a crush on for 9 years before we finally started dating/got pregnant/got married 5-ish years ago. I am a mother to two amazing, beautiful, healthy and intelligent toddler daughters with two very different personalities. I am a dog mom to my super adorable 1 1/2 year old golden-doodle. I am a professional graphic designer for a very successful insurance company who cares about it’s employees. I am overwhelmed with a love from my family of 3 sisters and two parents who have shown me more love and support in my 25 years than I think a lot of people receive in their lifetime.. Overall, I am a very very lucky woman. Crazy to think of myself as a woman, ha ha. I literally still can’t believe I’m 25 (almost 26). But I am. I’ve lived 25 amazing years as Brittney Leigh (the last name has changed a couple of times — more about that another time — but I identify as Brittney Leigh since for a woman our last names can change multiple times in our lives, I choose to identify with the two my mother gave me at birth.) Hope to live many more, but only time will tell.

My thoughts tonight are about who I am actually.. I woke up Saturday morning feeling very down and desperate. I’ve felt this before, and it always takes me a bit to realize what I’m feeling and why. This time was no different. I was watching the most recent season of Heartland on Netflix (my girls were with their grandma and my husband was asleep preparing for a 16 hour shift coming up) and I just couldn’t stop crying. I mean, yes, there were sad things happening, but even for an emotional person, like myself, I shouldn’t have had as hard of a time stopping crying as I did. I felt like I literally couldn’t stop. Everything was sad. Everything felt like it was about me and I just felt so helpless and lost and stuck in my own head. I tried to take a shower and couldn’t get this feeling of desperation and helplessness out of my head. I tried and tried. And cried and cried. And I couldn’t.

Fast-forward 2 hours.. my husband joins the living world and tries to watch my show with me. I warned him I was emotional so I needed him to be nice today. He got quiet, made food and when he came back to the living room he asked me why I was emotional. I refused to talk to him. I believed no one else who understand. I told him he’d think it was stupid. A silly reason to cry. I told him I wasn’t going to tell him. He started guessing. “It was Kady. Kady made you cry?””You got in an argument with your mom?” None of the guesses were correct. He finally took my hand and told me that he wasn’t going to stop asking what was bothering me. I’m an emotional personal almost all the time, so the fact that he wouldn’t stop.. I think he could tell that this was something real. Not just being on my period or being angry about a conversation. So I told him.

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